who am i kidding? i can sure fool you people, but i can only fool myself for so long.
I have problems. This is going to be the first time i ever will talk about this. And for those who are reading this, which i doubt anyone is, will prob think "what a whiny little attention seeking bitch." or "stop lying, your life is great." you dont know anything.. at all.
I hate and love life, it's like im bipolar, 85% i hate it, 15 i'm somewhat happy.
I'm a hopeless romantic, i can read body language and actions very well. Many of you think i'm stupid, maybe i just don't feel like sharing my thoughts , you all would prob think i'm a freak anyways.

Example, blahblah, popular, goodlooking popular kid. acts like an ass, gets high + drunk all the time and won't do shit in class.. is it because he's a waste and dumb? no. he acts like an ass, to block out others from his true self, he doesn't want anyone to have the ability to tear him up and get deep into him. he gets fucked to forget his troubles, because truely, who does he have to talk to? his boys? groupies? no, they'll all turn away and think he's a pussy. He can't show the real him, because hes scared of people knowing the true him.. and not liking it. So he puts on a show. No names will be mentioned.

I know who you are. Those little actions you do, how you talk, walk, etc. I know who you are, believe it or not. I studied this and plan to continue doing so in the future. Ha, bet many of you didnt know that, wow she actually knows something. Well back to the point, ive met a few good guys, and i can tell how their personality is, if their acting fake, etc. i can see past you to your heart. Yeah im a freak, you know you wanna say it. Thats why when i like someone, im crazy. Im trying to reach out to love, something ive been told and raised to believe doesn't exist, i wanna prove it wrong. These guys know me, but they dont "KNOW" me. And dont see me, if only they would get to know me.. but they never do.

I'm stuck in the past, i can't let go, and i don't want to, specifically 2008, why?
That's the only time, i can remember geniunely being happy, feeling like i belong and my friends were people who I would hold onto forever, and liked me for me. I was happy. Yes we weren't perfect, but that was okay, no drama because there was none, if someone did something you didnt like you'd tell them straight up and you'd fix it. Many people think im weird, strange, fucked up. Well guess what, i guess i am. But that was alright in 2008, we all were crazy kids, and we loved each other, one big happy family. what happened? people moved, things changed. not some drama or any shit like that, just something happened, and i bet none of us know what, i know i dont.

I don't have a home. I dont even know where i will be living next year or in the future.Yes, i have a mother, a loving father and little brother. My father supports me and i think this is the first time ive ever admitted and said this, i love him dearly, i cant say that to him, cause thats just how our family is. My mother is a different story, lets just say she wishes i was never born. how do i know? i can't exactly tell you, so your gonna have to trust me on this. My brother is a spoiled little princess, whatever he wants, he gets, he's the favourite. We are never treated equally, if we were starving and there was a sandwich, instead of splitting it, my mother would give him the whole thing. Understand? Well, my mother puts her own happiness before my own. She rather drag the whole family across the world, and leave me here in Canada with strangers alone. She's not gonna see me grow up, does she care ? no, so why should i.

Who are my friends? honestly, i dont even know sometimes. Sometimes i feel that connection with "friends" but thats rarely or briefly. Maybe im too fucked up, everyone thinks im weird and an outkast. I can't change who i am, sorry. I feel as if everyones out to get me, just being nice to build me up, then tear me down, i only trust a few "friends" but i still feel distant.. yeah i trust them, but who really wants to hear about my problems, their all a mood killer, plus id sound like a bitch who wants attention. People hide stuff from me all the time, and i always find out. Remember that time you lie to me something and went out and did something else? You didnt want me to know or come or whatever, i know. And its just like whatever, cause i will not make anyone like me or want to be around me. I can not make anyone respect or love me, if you wont treat me right, you dont exist to me.

People talk too much, i constantly have people putting me down, either its a joke or just plain shit talking. Yeah, i may not finch or seem to care, when the truth is.. i do, it all builds up. i hate how i look, my legs are too short, im fat/chubby, my face looks retarded, i cant sing, i cant dance, im no good. Why do people feel the need to put others down? To make themselves feel better about their insecurity. Why can't anyone be nice anymore, why does everyone notice flaws but not the good?

I don't have anyone or anywhere to turn to, when im hurt or angry. Thats why you dont want to piss me off, cause once you do, your on my hitlist, i will channel all my anger out on you and you wont like it, i wont lie, im a total bitch, im not scared to do or say shit to you just because you walked by, you pissed me off bad once, too bad, a new name to the list.

Why do you think i talk alot? because i hate the silence, it gives time to actually think,
Why do you think i do stupid things? I dont think, i do something to distract myself from reality.
I dont hate life, i just live day by day. searching for happiness, acceptance, life.
Dispite all the bullshit i have at the back of my head and infront of me, im going to keep trying to find what i'm looking for, maybe it'll find me, i dont know.

ttyl if anyones reading this nonsence.
- cee.

ps. i wouldn't be surprised if you wanted to drop me after readin this, i wouldnt blame you.